Monday, March 14, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Attraction’s endless masquerade. Not so much a party, more like a never-ending game. I pretend I am this woman and you pretend you are that man and we pretend that everything is perfect. But we never truly connect, because you cannot feel the touch of another with gloves on.
I am not perfect, I hate to be the one to tell you that. In fact, I am as far from being perfect as a person can get. I am not always the goody-two-shoes over achiever with drive and ambition that you think I am. I can be boring at times and I don’t always have something interesting to say. I am sometimes lazy and I often do fantasize about the taking the path of least resistance when attempting to accomplish my goals.
Also, I often frustrated when people do or say stupid things and I don’t always have something positive to offer as feedback when that happens. Most of the time I will just ignore it or try to change the subject. I can be very silly too and my sense-of-humor can border upon the absolute goofy. Sometimes I cry at the stupidest things, like during certain TV commercials or when I can’t fit into my jeans. I can be withdrawn and sullen too at times, feeling as though I am stuck in a life I did not create for myself, as if my life is the by-product of circumstances and not of deliberate direction, but I soon realize that I am just being hard on myself, yet again. It is the same sort of thing that a lot of people lament; thinking that every moment of life is supposed to have meaning and most of the time it is the quite the opposite; life’s meanings have moments. It is the journey that counts, not necessarily the moments where we arrive at our destination.
Such is the game of attraction and dating and it can be outright maddening to at times. I am supposed to appear as if I am always cheerful, playful, and brilliant. Always full of energy, always light-hearted and uncomplicated. That is just not me. I am very complicated, very complex. My moods can change quite often and I am constantly thinking and analyzing things, trying to rework a situation in my mind until it all works out the way that it should. Always careful to plot my moves and words carefully.
I am not always sure what it is that I want most of the time or what I mean by the things I say. I don’t need to be interpreted or even to be understood at every moment of every day. I just want and need to be accepted for who I am, even if that is someone I am not always so sure about. I’d like to think that I am a work in progress, that the best parts of me are still hiding up my sleeve. I think it was my college art professor that said it best, "Sometimes you can beat a horse to death, but you can also sometimes beat a dead horse back to life." Keep trying, keep going, keep moving. Things can finally turn out the way that you want if you keep at it long enough.
But why am I not supposed to feel so great when you are around me? Why am I not supposed to tremble when you move in to reach for something just past me at the dinner table? Am I am not supposed to love how great you smell and how it is left all over me and my clothes after you hold me so tight to tell me goodnight? Why am I supposed to hold all of this inside and act as though it does not mean so much to me? Because a woman like me MUST have had plenty of men that were crazy about me, so why would someone like me be crazy about you? Right? So we lie to ourselves about how much we care and we lie to each other. If only we would be honest and forthcoming from the beginning.
I would tell you that you light me up inside in a way that I have never known before. I would confess that I love the way I look through your eyes? Just the sound of your voice makes me feel comfortable and safe, warm and protected. The strength of your arms wrapped around me makes me feel more like a woman than a thousand romantic songs sang to me night and day. And when you look at me with that look, it is as if all space and time ceases to exist. I stare at your face intensely, putting it to memory. It’s as if I look at the sun too long, I can close my eyes tightly and I will still see it all day long!
But then there is always the masquerade. The mindless game-playing over our misunderstanding of the communication differences of the sexes; where insecurity and competition dictate to us that we have to hide our true feelings and passion and curb it way, way back. You are never supposed to know how much I enjoy you, how often I think about you or how much I long for you to reach out to hold me and to whisper to me that you feel the same.
Why must we play? Why must we do all of this nonsensical pretending? Tippy toes, tippy toes. Don’t ever tread too heavily. Sip, sip we just sip from the cup. Never are we ever to drink from the river together. So we continue to live a life this small, this shallow and pale and deny the vastness of the unexplored brilliance of deeper and honest attraction, connection and truthful openness. We ignorantly continue to deny ourselves the experience of the magnificent onslaught of the pulsating flush of endless possibility rushing through our veins at lightning speed leaving our hearts racing and our bodies breathless and beautifully spent in the miracle that’s called love.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Written by Marianne Williamson, it is simply called Our Deepest Fear by some. The text reads as follows: 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Most people choose to escape the pain or bypass it altogether, not I. I will face it, but only while being armed with as many weapons as I can haul into my arsenal. As if being prepared for what is to come will lessen the harsh realities of the experience at all.
I fear all it has done is deluded me to the fact that my efforts have been in vain.
Wisdom is an expensive treasure bought with the price of our youthful naivite. When we are young it seems that boundaries of life are quite limitless and yet reachable at the same time. All is possible and contained within the extent of our reach. Our thinking is primarily focused on the here and now, living life in utter spontaneity and joyful impetuousness. These traits seem quite foolish to our older, wiser selves. But are they?
The older and more experienced we become with life and all of its surprises seems to bring about a shift in perspective. We begin to think ahead more, looking towards the future we plan our next moves quite carefully. Long gone are the impassioned impulses that drove our youthful imaginations. But is this wisdom that has taught us to behave this way or the fear of living life to its fullest due to the beatings we’ve suffered from past foolish mistakes?
With life experience, first comes maturity followed by wisdom gained and with it comes the clarity of seeing everything from a perspective of the existence of possible future consequence.
So to follow this logic, is it safe to say that wisdom is gained through the brutality of living through the foolishness of day-to-day existence? It is the dog that flinches at his raised master’s hand or the athlete that warms up before the game. It is not that we prefer to live a life of fear, but it is a trade off of values. What was the end-all-be-all of existence before, our immediate satisfaction, no longer holds with it the same appeal as before. First, see if the train is coming before stepping out on to the tracks. If we miss this train, we now understand that the chances of another one coming along are very good.
So as we get older, it is not that we forget the excitement of living in the moment, all or nothing or that our lives becomes so filled with fear or that we lose our nerve to take any more risks either. It is the fact that life has taught us to compromise, to wait and to consider all things before making a decision. Life teaches us to value the things that will last longer and require the least amount of pain. Something that looks good today may be something we don’t quite feel the same about tomorrow. We begin to carefully choose our battles.
Even as we grow older, we must always remember that there still exists the possibility for risk and to reach for the impossible. We don’t have to give up our hope or our dreams, they are still attainable, yet with our newfound wisdom we are instructed to be more selective with what we choose to gamble it all on.
What truth does the bible give us about wisdom? The bible says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Perhaps that is what this fear is, this new kind of matured understanding of how the world works, this broader perspective and deeper insight that we know we should be living our lives right in the God's sight.
Jesus said, "So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." And, "And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life?" Living in the here and now is, living life without our fear, without the care or worry of what happens tomorrow.
The bible also says in Jeremiah 17:7, "My blessing is on those people who trust in me, who put their confidence in me." Trusting the fact that we know God is in control of it all and we are living our lives right in His eyes is living in the present mindset and living life without any fear of risking everything on today because we know tomorrow is in His hands and we know it will turn out alright.
I have to admit that for most of my life I have been a hopeFUL romantic, never hopeless. We are a rare breed these days, once having populated every corner of the country with blushing, batting eyed beauties fainting at the mere touch of the dashing young man lifting us to our feet and leading us out onto the dance floor for the heart-pounding romantic slow dance.
I've often wondered whatever happened to that innocent expectation for romance from the opposite sex? What has happened to the dream of a true love blossoming between two people, one that is gentle and pure and uplifting in a way that that nothing else compares to it? I think most of us have endured such selfish heartbreak that we simply stop putting our hearts out there risking yet again possible pain.
We try on our lovers like winter coats on the clearance rack in summer or we walk around kicking their tires and giving them a test drive like the price slashed car on so many used car lots. People shouldn't be tried on or used for a while until we grow tired of them and want the next new toy. People have hearts and minds and dreams and desires and souls, all quite fragile and exposed when it comes to opening up and trying to trust the person we have feelings for.
It is all worth it, really. The pain we endure through all of those heartbreaks. To not give into fear and refuse to hope or trust again, but to tough it out, cry it out, let the wounds heal and scar back over. How resilient the human heart can be.
I am so grateful for each one that I have loved. Each one has taught me more about what it is I do truly want from a mate and what it is that I wish to change about myself. It isn't at all about what we can get from them or what they can do for us. The truest of motives behind love is self-sacrificing. Not merely wishing to be with them, but knowing in our hearts that if we are not with them, we will no longer be whole.
I feel that love again, God has blessed me to feel that surge of excited bliss. The comfort of knowing you are cared for so deeply by that one person out there that not only knows you well, but wants to know you more. We all want that, to be understood or to be truly seen and heard by at least one person is a wonderful thing. For it to happen when you weren't looking or paying attention, but at the precise moment you feel you've finally gotten yourself really together so you can offer that other person the very best of yourself that you have to offer...well that is even better than the young love I've felt before.
He makes me feel feminine and beautiful, intelligent and desirable. I have someone that cares if I make it home from work every day and is upset when I am upset, sad when I am sad. I have someone that I can share my work stories with and to tell my corny jokes too and he still loves me in spite of that torture. I have someone that encourages me to better myself while at the same time thinks that I am perfect just the way I am. It is acceptance, belonging, unconditional love and it is wonderful.
I feel like I am a better version of myself than before. Not only am I open to receive more love, but I am also open to give more love because of the abundance I feel. I feel closer to my God and my family and at the same time so full of courage and confidence that I am at long last willing to take those risks that I have been too fearful to try before.
Life seems to glow for me right now, every dawn and every setting of sun seems to hold within it endless possibilities and innumerable moments of such joy I cannot help but to laugh all of the time, smile all of the time, and want to spread that goodness everywhere I go. All because I am accepted, understood, desired, valued and respected by another and I feel the same for him as well.
Why has it worked out for the two of us right now and not before or with other people? I have learned to quote the famous poet, "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or to die." It is because it is. I am not going to waste any time analyzing it or explaining it or justifying it to anyone else. I am just going to enjoy it and give it the best I have to give.
It took 40 years for me to finally find that special someone that sees the me that no one else can see. And I married him and am going to love him for it for the rest of my life.